If you are one who is still obsessed with your ex-partner or are emotionally lingering around him or her then you are probably suffering from Ex-Syndrome. And before you go any further with your ex, it’s time to get a reality check to avoid extra stress!
In the web of human emotions, some threads refuse to fade. One such thread is the Ex-Syndrome. It continues to cast its shadow on one’s thoughts, emotions and behaviour even after the relationship is over.
While the Ex-Syndrome isn’t a clinical diagnosis, it encapsulates the emotional and psychological effects of one’s past. Partners often find it difficult to let go of the other’s thoughts and yearn for a toxic companionship that didn’t even work!
A Magnetic Pull
“The Ex-Syndrome is that magnetic pull towards an ex-partner despite knowing that the relationship didn’t work.” says Ayushi Mathur, a Relationship Coach. However, don’t mistake this for just that occasional yearning or missing.
The Ex-Syndrome is a pervasive form of remembering your ex, where their thoughts begin to interfere with your present life. Ayushi explains, “When you make excuses to contact them or genuinely believe they have changed and want to go back, these are all signs of the ex-syndrome at work.”
“Ex-Syndrome is a condition in which individuals continue to fantasize about their former partners or have feelings of attraction yet linger on.” says Dr. Swapna Patker, a Relationship Coach & Expert. Dr Swapna explains that these feelings are simply difficult to forget.
In short, the human mind likes being pampered. Hence, feelings of breakup or letting a close one go is something people take time to deal and heal from. Dr Swapna says, “Humans tend to get attached to their close ones, with most people being habituated to the presence of a person.” She quips, “Being habituated to a person needn’t always mean that you love the person.”
Key Contributors
Individuals may have a plethora of reasons to drift back to their ex. One could be the Avoidant-Attachment Style, where people often suppress their emotional needs due to the fear of being betrayed or hurt. However post-breakup, they tend to idealize their past relationships as a symbol of their true love and connection. Something they desired but feared to pursue.
It serves like a vicious cycle. You yearn for the same closeness but when you are near, you take a step back. Yet, another trait that kicks in is the idealization of the past. It is here that post a breakup you tend to focus on the positive aspects of the past relationship, often overlooking the reasons that led to it falling apart.
A few triggers here would be seeing them in person from afar or coming across a random post by them on social media. These sudden mishaps push you into a dark tunnel, where your current relationship now begins to feel depressive.
Ayushi quips, “The Grass is greener on the other side is the perfect adage of this syndrome.”
Toxic Tendencies
Long story short: the Ex-Syndrome is devastating. It doesn’t just dive into the past. It spurts out and crawls into your present life. Ayushi says, “Such a tendency needlessly creates distance and breeds insecurity issues with the current partner.”
Think of this as a roadblock that keeps getting you back from where you started. It’s almost like living lives in two parallel universes. One, dumbfoundedly lost in those bitter-sweet memories of your ex. In the other, romanticizing and convincing yourself to believe that you should stay true to your current partner.
What’s worse is that such tendencies don’t let old wounds heal. They only dig in deeper. Ayushi cautions, “It prevents healing by reopening and revisiting wounds rather than allowing them to heal.” Dr Swapna opines that people may engage in the Ex-syndrome but may not realize that they’ve now been pulled into a ruthless loop. What punches them in the gut is a feeling of guilt and shame.
Dr Swapna says, “It is natural for people to experience feelings of guilt, particularly if they place a high value on their current relationship yet aren’t able to be true to it.” She advises that its important individuals create a heightened level of self-awareness and seek to find reasons behind their longings aka toxic cravings. What could also help individuals is scheduling appointments with counsellors or seeking professional help.
Look Beyond
The past is a part of us. But that shouldn’t have the power to define individuals or their current relationships. People experiencing this syndrome may want to dive in deeper and deliberate upon steps to better heal and reclaim their emotional well-being. Allowing themselves to experience the fullness of relationships rather than eat from breadcrumbs of yesterday. Perhaps, the journey towards healing old wounds is to let them stay closed and healed!
